How To Be An Author - 7 steps to becoming more annoying:
1 Start by calling me (the production editor) by the wrong name or saying it in a weird way:
Dear Jenny / Jonny, Dr, Professor Mrs Johnny,
OR- don't put my name at all. (It doesn't matter who I am, I will leap to your service immediately, tugging my forelock in deference, oh great one.)
2 Make a dig about how busy you are or how unfair it is that you should have to do anything for your book. If possible, use this as an opportunity to brag about international travel and how difficult it will be to contact you.
e.g: Please note that from April to June I will be at my PARIS APARTMENT. Then I will be in Morocco for a month. After that I will be on my private island, where the only means of communication is asking a local shaman to translate your message into dolphin noises and send them to me via sonar.
3 Answer my questions in either a sharp or patronising way, putting some words in CAPITALS for emphasis, even though this is the email equivalent of SHOUTING and what you are saying is really not that urgent or important. If you get the chance, always put the word NOT in shouty capitals. I love that, it is endearing.
This should be coupled with a crazy idea you have had that a small detail about the book will confuse/alienate the readers, even though they probably wouldn't notice it at all.
So putting together what we have so far:
Jenny Johnny,
Looking at my proofs again I see that in some places you have set 'foreign' expressions in italics. This must NOT be done! Otherwise the reader will think that I am ignorant/ xenophobic or bent on the annihilation of all non-English speakers in the world with a big gun that fires pure sarcasm into peoples' eyes and boils children alive. This is NOT what my book is about. You are mutilating its soul and the readers will be horrified. This MUST be changed urgently or it will threaten my reputation and the publisher's.
You had better fix this before the end of this sentence or everything will be ruined and I will tell all my colleagues.
4. Always try to add in a remark about how one of our systems is stupid or flawed, ideally basing your comment on misunderstanding what I have asked you to do. If you can, throw in how you think other publishers are better than we are. That never fails to make us cry.
E.g:
I think your house style for this is INSANE. Surely if you don't set everything in max caps people will ignore the whole text. Next you will say that I can't have the whole book in 18 point bold so it can be read from a distance. I have published many books with other publishers and they always let me do this. In my experience readers like to be at least 10 feet away from the book and with your antiquated rules, all they will see is a blur, even with binoculars.
5. Also popular is repeating something you have already told me many times (because I am stupid and must be told often) and then asking an annoying question before signing off.
E.g:
Don't forget that when the book is bound, all the words MUST be the right way up and printed on PAPER.
Is the book published yet? How about now?
Now?
Now?
Oh my God! Isn't it published yet? If I had gone with [X publisher] they would have done it by now.
6. Sign off with some vague or patronising phrase. If you can get some insincerity in, all the better. Only the true master can add a really barbed comment here, but some manage:
'Much thanks for trying your best for this important project.'
'Thanks for being so efficient.'
7- Try not to sign your name here, because that might make me think I can use it, as if we are equals. Instead, either leave your usual long email signature:
Professor Basil Metabolism
Made Up Name Professor of Indignation
Expensive East Coast University
USA
Or just an initial, leaving it up to me to puzzle out what to call you.
See? Easy.
1 Start by calling me (the production editor) by the wrong name or saying it in a weird way:
Dear Jenny / Jonny, Dr, Professor Mrs Johnny,
OR- don't put my name at all. (It doesn't matter who I am, I will leap to your service immediately, tugging my forelock in deference, oh great one.)
2 Make a dig about how busy you are or how unfair it is that you should have to do anything for your book. If possible, use this as an opportunity to brag about international travel and how difficult it will be to contact you.
e.g: Please note that from April to June I will be at my PARIS APARTMENT. Then I will be in Morocco for a month. After that I will be on my private island, where the only means of communication is asking a local shaman to translate your message into dolphin noises and send them to me via sonar.
3 Answer my questions in either a sharp or patronising way, putting some words in CAPITALS for emphasis, even though this is the email equivalent of SHOUTING and what you are saying is really not that urgent or important. If you get the chance, always put the word NOT in shouty capitals. I love that, it is endearing.
This should be coupled with a crazy idea you have had that a small detail about the book will confuse/alienate the readers, even though they probably wouldn't notice it at all.
So putting together what we have so far:
Jenny Johnny,
Looking at my proofs again I see that in some places you have set 'foreign' expressions in italics. This must NOT be done! Otherwise the reader will think that I am ignorant/ xenophobic or bent on the annihilation of all non-English speakers in the world with a big gun that fires pure sarcasm into peoples' eyes and boils children alive. This is NOT what my book is about. You are mutilating its soul and the readers will be horrified. This MUST be changed urgently or it will threaten my reputation and the publisher's.
You had better fix this before the end of this sentence or everything will be ruined and I will tell all my colleagues.
4. Always try to add in a remark about how one of our systems is stupid or flawed, ideally basing your comment on misunderstanding what I have asked you to do. If you can, throw in how you think other publishers are better than we are. That never fails to make us cry.
E.g:
I think your house style for this is INSANE. Surely if you don't set everything in max caps people will ignore the whole text. Next you will say that I can't have the whole book in 18 point bold so it can be read from a distance. I have published many books with other publishers and they always let me do this. In my experience readers like to be at least 10 feet away from the book and with your antiquated rules, all they will see is a blur, even with binoculars.
5. Also popular is repeating something you have already told me many times (because I am stupid and must be told often) and then asking an annoying question before signing off.
E.g:
Don't forget that when the book is bound, all the words MUST be the right way up and printed on PAPER.
Is the book published yet? How about now?
Now?
Now?
Oh my God! Isn't it published yet? If I had gone with [X publisher] they would have done it by now.
6. Sign off with some vague or patronising phrase. If you can get some insincerity in, all the better. Only the true master can add a really barbed comment here, but some manage:
'Much thanks for trying your best for this important project.'
'Thanks for being so efficient.'
7- Try not to sign your name here, because that might make me think I can use it, as if we are equals. Instead, either leave your usual long email signature:
Professor Basil Metabolism
Made Up Name Professor of Indignation
Expensive East Coast University
USA
Or just an initial, leaving it up to me to puzzle out what to call you.
See? Easy.
